Happy Birthday to the Philly Phinatic.  It’s time for my sometimes annual Mascot Breakdown Article, ranking all 30 (and then some) mascots out there into tiers.

 

THE “THATS NOT REALLY A MASCOT” TIER

#30.  LOU the SEAL – SF Giants

Here’s why I am ranking Lou the Seal dead last.  The more I think about it, the less anyone actually knows who the Giants mascot is.  In fact, if you polled 30 random people and said who is Lou the Seal related too, they would think you are talking about Seal’s daughter who is named Lou.  That’s not a good association here.  Furthermore, a team as well established with Baseball history as the Giants and a fantastic ballpark, excellent broadcasters and good fans does not need a mascot.  He looks like he is your drunk old, overweight Uncle who has no kids and 3 restraining orders from local Elementary schools for looking creepy at kids.  He’s a seal.  There’s nothing interesting here.  Rank, 30th.

#29.  THE LA ANGELS – No Mascot

I guess it’s a California thing here that either you have a really good mascot history or you have no mascot at all.  I am sorry, but the Rally Monkey just does not count.  The Angels actually do not list an official mascot.  But yet, I still have them ahead of the Giants.

#28.  LA DODGERS – No Mascot

I can only assume that they do not want to make Vin Scully roll over in his grave and disgrace the organization with something bad and for fear of messing up they have not officially named one yet

#27.  SLIDER (GUARDIANS)

The Cleveland Baseball Team created slider in an attempt to copy the Philly Phinatic.

They have failed miserably in this regard.

Along with the name change from the Indians to Guardians and removing Chief Wahoo as well, this is just a disaster that should have had the plug pulled many years ago.

 

NICE TRY TIER

#26.  DANDY – THE ONE AND ONLY YANKEE MASCOT

The Yankees should not and shall never have a mascot.  And I give the Dodgers credit for staying true in their own right on that, but at the same time I do want to recognize some level of greatness that the Yankees had with ‘Dandy’ (1979-1981).

Imagine being a kid and going to see the Yankees and having your Dad or Grandfather or some Adult Male hero in your life talk about the greats like DiMaggio, Maris, Gherig, Ruth, Berra.  You’re excited to maybe see Reggie Jackson hit a home run, and during the 3rd inning of the game – here comes this guy…

With his limp baseball bat and all, the furry costume and that red mustache which just screams he’s gonna try to tick-ell you and has breath that reeks of Great Odin’s Special Reserve.  The Yankees did the right thing and got rid of this mascot — but in a way, I think he was very appropriate and for that, we still rank him ahead of some others.

#25.  PAWS … DETROIT TIGERS

One of the primary ingredients to a great mascot is the combination of Marketing and Personality.  When it comes to animal mascots, you either try or you just dont give a shit and in this case, the Tigers clearly just do not give a shit.

Having a Tiger as your mascot is something you are either all in on (see. LSU) or you just say screw it, it’s for the kids and we hope they like it.  But in this case, did you know what the Tigers mascot was?  I’m guessing most of you did not.

I give Detroit credit for being an old franchise.  The name Tigers comes from a Civil War reference & because of them, the Detroit Lions are called the Lions.  Decent names.  Decent franchise.  The Mascot is hard to fuck up, so they at least didn’t screw it up.  But zero marketing, zero personality.   Meh.

#24.  RANGERS CAPTAIN

I literally have zero words.

Marketing:  “Hey, lets go with a Horse.  You know, Texas Rangers.  We’ll Call him CAPTAIN”

It was a great idea.

The execution?

No.

 

#23.  ACE (BLUE JAYS)

Toronto used to have a mascot called BJ Birdy

Now they have ACE.

A clear downgrade.  I can only assume that their natural transformation is taking them from BJ Birdy to Ace and then they will add Gary to go along with Ace so that they can roll out Ace & Gary — who coincidentally — is what I nicknamed Auston Matthews and William Nylander.

Even the Expos had a better mascot (shared with the Montreal Canadiens) in Youppi!

#22.  Big Red – CARDINALS

Go look up the Arizona Cardinals mascot.

Then check out the Louisville Cardinals mascot.

And then you have … Big Red

What a fucking loser.

Re name him to Freedom the Cardinal mascot.

Give him a better beak.

Put a tank top on him

Throw some tattoos on him

Let him ride around Cardinal stadium on a motorcycle with a fucking Budweiser in his hand

and play Freebird every time he comes onto the field with fireworks going off.

Not, whatever the hell, that is …

 

#21.  BAXTER (DIAMONDBACKS)

Baxter is not a bad mascot.  I have two issues with him though.  #1.  He should be a snake.  Or somehow the Diamondbacks need a snake as their mascot.  Now, this could go poorly like the Rangers Horse idea, but at least it would fit good.  Second.  He doesn’t jump into the damn pool enough.  He’s a solid mascot, he does good things, but he just seems to fall short of that really good tier.

 

 

YOUR CHILDREN ARE TERRIFIED TIER

#20.  DINGER The Dinosaur (ROCKIES)

If we didn’t all get to see Dinger hatch out of an egg in Coors Field, we might not know for sure that it’s a Dinosaur.  I get it.  Lets create something cute and cuddly and … dear god your children are going home with nightmares.  Or maybe they just assumed everyone coming to a Rockies game was going to be high as a kite by the 3rd inning and this would just add to the hallucination factor and distract them from the Rockies pitching.

 

#19.  SLUGGER – KC ROYALS

Along the same lines of the Tigers mascot — except at least Slugger looks like he can kick some ass.  The crown haircut, the big muscles and yes – he is in the mascot hall of fame.

As a Royals fan.  He’s solid.  And yes, I probably have him ranked too high

 

#18.  SOUTHPAW (WHITE SOX)

Look, if you had to watch the White Sox you would look like that too.

What is he?  Nobody knows.

Does he talk?  Nobody knows.

Why are his eyes so fricken big?  Nobody knows

Can we get him a bigger hat?   Nope

Is your wife going to pull the kids away when he walks by?  Absolutely yes.

 

#17.  SCREECH (NATIONALS)

The Nationals Mascot is terrifying.  Their presidents are fantastic and are legends, but much like the Diamondbacks you lose points for having a backup mascot who is better than the one everyone knows.

Screech also loses points for the personality play.  He tries to be friendly and cute like Dinger for the kids.

That fucking bird is nothing cute.  He should be ferocious and angry.

And yes, it is supposed to be a bird.

 

WELL, SURE, OKAY … It’s Just a Bear? TIER

#16.  T.C. BEAR  (TWINS)

Did you know that the Twins once had a mascot named Twinkie the Loon, who was a giant bird that juggled and rode a unicycle, often simultaneously from 1980-81?

It was all downhill from there.

The Twins should have either two dudes walking around with beers in their hands or two girls like the speermint gum twins.  Double your pleasure.  Double your fun.

 

 

#15.  CLARK (CUBS)

Why is Clark ahead of T.C.?  Just look at him.  It’s 1PM Central and the dude is shit faced drunk.  Good for him.

 

THE UNDER APPRECIATED TIER

#14.  MARINER MOOSE

There’s nothing fancy about the Moose, but insanely extra credit points for being unique.  Not many moose mascots out there, and this one is pulled off pretty well.   He is reliable and he is unique.

 

#13.  STOMPER (ATHLETICS)

I should probably have a tier just for the teams who have mascots and solid giant mascots who race.  And in that tier, the Athletics rolling out Dennis Eckersley, Ricky Henderson and Rollie Fingers is fucking elite

But instead, the Athletics leave their fans (for now?) with Stomper.

…

What stomper lacks up for in … design, he does make up for in personality.

 

#12.  RAYMOND RAYS

I dont care if he is terrifying.  Raymond is a classically underrated mascot.  He gets the gig.  He knows how to have fun, with props and side-kicks.  Engaging with the opposing team, riling up the fans.  He has a tough gig working in a COSTCO warehouse every day and working often in front of small crowds.

Raymond, you sir.  Are a good mascot.

 

#11.  FRIAR (PADRES)

This is a damn good mascot.  But the truth is that it’s just impossible to follow greatness.

 

 

NOT QUITE GREAT, BUT VERY GOOD TIER

#10.  WALLY (RED SOX)

He is green and loveable.  He has a name that is clever and ties to the team and he’s fat.  Great qualities for a mascot.

#9.  PIRATE PARROT

This poor guy.  He has to watch the Pirates and often entertain a crowd that is really not into the game.  So what does he do?  He make fun of himself.  He looks like a terrified fan 24/7.  He embraces the heartache that is being a Pirates fan clearly.

The guy is disrespected too much.  We love you … Pirate Parrott

#8.  BILLY THE MARLIN (MARLINS)

The one mascot you probably should keep away from your wife.

I mean, you can just see the sex appeal this guy has with the women in South Beach.  You don’t often find a reason to go to the Marlins game when in Miami, but surely going to see an 8 foot tall Marlin with a 2 foot long beak is right up there at the top of the list.

In 1997, he was sky diving into the Opening Day crowd when the mascot lost his head and had to make an emergency landing and he has been the only mascot in franchise history.  You didn’t think the Marlin would be here in the top 10, but I challenge you to find something bad about him.

 

#7.  BLOOPER (BRAVES)

Blooper is more of a new era mascot, but he has not disappointed.  He’s a complete menace to opposing teams, he takes a really good approach on social media and he even has no problem tormenting little kids.

Longevity does matter a little bit here though & he’s also a little bit too much of a spin off from the Phinatic.  I cannot be upset with Blooper though and I think he is going to quickly rise into Mt. Rushmore as he ages.

 

#6.  MR RED (CINCINNATI REDS)

The Reds try to have too many different mascots, but we cannot diminish the fucking amazing costume design on Mr. Red.

Just look at that head.  The fierce eyes, the awesome hat, a baseball for a head and just look at that fucking stache.  This is peak mascot design and it has not been replicated and never will be.  He is the father of the mascots in Cincinnati and should be treated like the legend that he is.

 

#5.  THE ORIOLE BIRD (ORIOLES)

The Oriole Bird takes some flack from the haters, but he’s a solid mascot.  A  bird mascot is not as easy as it might seem and the design of the outfit is very solid.  The O-R-I-O-L-E-S spelling that he does aligns well with the history of the team and their team songs.

He makes Camden Yards better.  He has good movements and entertainment value…  But he’s just outside the elite tier.

 

MT. RUSHMORE

#4.  Bernie (Brewers)

Define “Stud”:

Now throw in a slide:

End of story.

 

#3.  Mr. and Mrs. Met (Mets)

He’s the typical Mets fan.  A well respected, honorable man by day, and a bitter Mets fan by night.

She’s the loyal wife who every other mascot is secretly trying to hook up with.

They’re the perfect couple for the miserable Mets fans.

All respect from me for being simple here.

Hey, what should our mascot be?  A dude with a baseball head.

What else?  Give him a wife.

Whats his name?   Mr. Met.

Whats her name?   Mrs. Met.

Awesome.

 

#2.  ORBIT (Astros)

There are three GIFs that I will use to justify why Orbit is #2.

I rest my case….

 

#1.  The Phinatic (Phillies)

He once got into a fight with Tommy LaSorda.   He once beaned his own mother on Mother’s Day.  Often imitated, never truly duplicated….  Happy Birthday Phinatic!  He sets the standard for active mascots on how to be a great mascot.  The ridiculous appearance.  The on field props.  The tormenting fans, opponents, broadcasters and other mascots.  10/10.

 

THE GOAT

The Famous San Diego Chicken is and forever will be the greatest mascot of all time.

 

 

WEATHER

Pirates at Cubs:  This is going to be the big story today & I think Vegas is baiting you with their 12.5 over/under.  It’s gonna be good yes, but I caution it might wind up being a 7-5 exact final score.

White Sox at Royals:  Rain early should cause this game to delay but still play

 

TARIK SKUBAL (DK: $10.7k, FD: $10.8k)

Often times early paying up for pitching can be a waste of DFS salary when you have lots of good options due to low scoring environments.  But at this point I think we’re ready to see one of those elite Skubal performances.  Skubal should handle the Marlins RHH & likely has 8-10 strikeouts by the 5th inning – where he’ll remain in to go toe to toe against Sandy Alcantara.

ANDREW PAINTER (DK: $7800, FD: $8000)

Where you pitch matters.  Painter was roughed up in San Francisco earlier this week but is back home in front of the home crowd.  Arizona’s been on the road for a while & I trust Painter to be more like he was in his debut vs the Nationals.

THE SUNDAY SLEEPERS

• Max Scherzer (DK: $7700, FD: $7300):  If he can just stay healthy this should be an easy spot.
• Zach Littell (DK: $6600, FD: $6800):  Oof, it’s slim down here, but Littell actually looks favorable against a good Milwaukee team.  They’re just too hard to pick on with confidence.

 

PIRATES vs CUBS

Everyones gonna jump in on this Wrigley warm and windy day, finally some warm temps and both sides are good here because obviously Jameson Taillon is going to give up damage.  But so too is Bubba Chandler.

• Ian Happ
• Michael Busch
• Alex Bregman
• Brandon Lowe
• Oneil Cruz
• Brayan Reynolds
• Ryan O’Hearn

CARDINALS

Bryan Bello managed to not give up a homer vs the Brewers, but he looks awful so far.  The walks are once again a massive issue & the Cardinals have proven they can hit bad RHP so far.

• Alec Burleson
• Jordan Walker
• JJ Wetherholt

ATHLETICS / METS

Happy Mets day!  Both NY teams are losing every time they play the Athletics this week but that flips over today with the help of Jorge Polanco and Bo Bichette

• Jorge Polanco
• Bo Bichette
• Luis Robert Jr.

 

CATCHER

1. Salvador Perez
2. Ivan Herrera
3. Logan O’Hoppe

 

FIRST BASE

This is the deepest position to day for hunting down homers.

1. Rafael Devers
2. Jorge Polanco
3. Alec Burleson
4. Nick Kurtz
5. Michael Busch

 

SECOND BASE

1. Brandon Lowe
2. Nico Hoerner
3. Jazz Chisholm Jr

 

THIRD BASE

1. Alex Bregman
2. Bo Bichette
3. Maikel Garcia

 

SHORTSTOP

1. Konnor Griffin
2. Francisco Lindor
3. Willy Adames

 

OUTFIELD – Mt. Rushmore

1. Dylan Beavers
2. Ian Happ
3. Bryan Reynolds
4. Oneil Cruz

 

OUTFIELD – Tier II

1. Luis Robert Jr
2. Jordan Walker
3. Lawrence Butler
4. Ryan O’Hearn

 

1. Rafael Devers – 1B – San Francisco Giants – Chairman of The Dongers Club
2. Dylan Beavers – OF – Orioles
3. Francisco Lindor – SS – Mets
4. Jazz Chisholm Jr – 2B – Yankees
5. Oneil Cruz – OF – Pirates
6. Ian Happ – OF – Cubs
7. Alex Bregman – 3B – Cubs
8. Logan O’Hoppe – C – Angels
9. BONUS …. Nick Kurtz – 1B – Athletics

 

BETS

• Athletics / METS OVER 7.5
• Blue Jays ML + ORIOLES ML Parlay
• Cardinals ML